Colossians 3:13 " forgive as the lord forgave you."

The word of God is evident, if we can plead to God for pardoning and he

pardons by giving us another chance to change then, why can't you forgive

as the lord forgave you. When we talk about forgiveness, most of us might

start thinking about the individuals that hurt us in the past or present

but have you thought of yourself? Put yourself first sometimes. What is

that one thing you have done intentional or inadvertent that you just

find it difficult to pardon yourself first even before asking for

forgiveness somewhere else? Botches are bound to happen, and things are

bound to happen accept it as a fact and know that everybody merits

forgiveness, a chance to change and you're not excluded. I know in a few

circumstances individuals take advantage of the fact that you can forgive

them and sometimes we take advantage of the fact that we will always

pardon ourselves and so we do cruel things to harmed another individual

either physically or emotionally which is unfair. Forgiveness is a

process, and you deserve forgiveness.

How do I really learn pardon to myself?
How do I halt faulting myself for the botches I have made?
How do I discover peace within myself to move forward, instead of
continuously looking in reverse?
How do I turn this around, before I completely lose myself?
How do I put the past behind, and stop it from haunting me?
What does it mean to forgive?

To forgive implies to halt feeling angry towards somebody. It implies to harbor no resentment against anybody, and You detain yourself when yo don’t forgive. Pardoning yourself is the only way to start again. Forgiveness is freedom. Forgiveness brings peace. You’ll get trapped in the darkness of shattered memories when you do not forgive. A few of us have found ourselves in a really most noticeably awful predicament, and we just want to hurt ourselves for doing what we did. We despise ourselves, we revile the day we were born and with our own mouth we say cruel words to ourselves. Some go as far as telling themselves these cruel words:

‘I despise myself right now’
‘I want to die’
‘I am completely useless’
‘I am the worst individual on earth right now’
‘I am a huge fool’
‘I do not deserve love’

Some go to the extreme of harming themselves. But, hello! Those words are cruel when you tell someone that and presently you’re saying those words to yourself. If you do not forgive yourself how can you earn the forgiveness of others? If you keep using cruel words on yourself how can you live a healthy life and have a positive vibe? Pardoning sounds simple but, it is a process. You need to open your mind to accept it either from you or someone else.💪

Why is he abruptly feeling so sorry I know it is unlike him to keep me silent, but I can 

understand the fact that he went for an official task and perhaps, got so busy to call me. 

His expression of remorse this time appears distinctive like a farewell but he never said

farewell.The discussion finished, I did not call him for days and he did not call me again 

so I proceeded calling randomly on chosen days but his number never went through. It's

December already the year is rounding off. Labi is never coming back I can feel it, my 

intuitive tells me, he has been inconsistent. Possibly he might not tell it to my face that it

is over, Possibly he's frightened of hurting me more by telling me it's over or probably he

can't deal with that part of my past but I am trying to pardon myself, in spite of my past I
need to be a happy lady. I know I made a wrong choice I ought to have taken duty of my infant 

welfare even if her father rejected her. I am sorry my nameless child...

Days went by I did not hear from him, we did not speak to each other for few weeks. On a night before going to bed, i got a call from Labi his voice was cold and faint but i could still hear
him. He told me he is leaving for an official assignment and will be back soon which was on the 
18th of February, his   number did not connect afterwards. On several occasions I tried calling randomly with the hope that his   number will connect. On the 29th of April was my lucky day, I called and he picked the call. I wanted to   yell  at him for blanking out like that but I was excited to hear his voice, at the same time upset   he had kept me mute.He sounded relaxed I couldn't keep my calm I spoke first. Labi what happened?   Are you fine? There was silence I could hear his breath there was no tension in his breath I could count   one...Two...One...Two... As I heard his breath. Are you there? He said he was fine and apologized for the   long silence he told me his absence might take longer since he does not know exactly when he is coming   back.👀 

I became anxious, apprehensive he will abandon me or cherish me less.I held his shirt, 

and I was shaking he held me near and told me everything will be fine I felt secure 

and looked into his eyes he gave a side grin. I told him I murdered my newborn  because my ex-

lover said he was not prepared to welcome a child. I could see the grin steadily blurring off 

from Labi’s face he was in stun. I told him it was not my intention to murder the child, but I could not bear 

the truth that my ex-lover deserted my child even before birth . I told him I felt soothed 

after telling him this, and it was the reason I have mood swings. I’m a changed individual I said, and such 

can’t happen again. Labi kept staring at me he told me he understands but his face was 

passive and I can’t say if he was happy or sad.

😐

Ike made me feel better but the thoughts of murdering my child and

 trashing changes my disposition. On few events, I cry when no one is near

to me, at the consolation of my bed or the washroom. On few events, Ike has

caught me crying, and he finds it exasperating. He told me to halt living

in the past, and he understands my bond with my mother but she will be sad

to see you have not moved on. I felt guilty when he said this. It's

not about my mother but an innocent child I murdered, how can I say this?

He held my shoulders and looked profoundly into my eyes and said; Sandra,

you're a shadow of yourself you never open up to me I am tired of making

this work. I cherish you but you make understanding you difficult and how

can I spend the rest of my life with you if you keep up to this? I kept

quiet it's not a question that needs an answer and even if he needs an

answer I can't think straight presently. He took off his hands from my

shoulders, and he was gradually strolling away.👀

💔💔😥

I knew she was dead I wrapped her like a doll inside a pack and tossed her in a waste  which is fifty minutes drive from my home where no one knows me and since she was very delicate individuals will think it’s just a waste and no one paid attention to what I was carrying. After that, I felt I could live a normal life free from stressing about a child my lover deserted but it got to be the most noticeably awful choice I took I got to be more depressed than I use to be when Labi told me he isn’t prepared to welcome our child. It begun affecting my health and physical look and I felt more blameworthy when I hear infant cries.

It was during this period I met Ike on my way home. We came down from the bus together and I noticed he was following me i halted and gave a questionable look and he grinned at me, I gave a tired grin I felt a bit comfortable. He inquired if we are able chat I told him he’s an acquaintance and can’t unveil my home address to him so i proposed we chat else where rather than my home. We were out on a date and enjoyed each other company we felt comfortable with each other and decided to take the step further to date. Ike made me better, though not totally. I told him I had just lost my mother which was untrue, I never knew my mother since she passed on after I was born. I told him that was the cause of my mood swings I couldn’t have told him I murdered my infant because the father refuses to take responsibility for his child.  😔😭

💔💔

I turned to the door and slammed it hard, but he never opened I could not clarify my sentiments if I was angry at Labi or if I despise him, it was a blended feeling.I went home sad.Now, I was convinced I had been deserted I became a different individual, a pitiful expectant mother, each time I go for antenatal other women are usually cheerful to listen about the lecture and arrival of their infant. The matron inquired me to wait after the antenatal but I told her I was in a rush and I would not be able to wait. You’re always in a rush madam she said with a grin, but I disregarded her but she kept talking; you ought to be enthusiastic, your baby is coming soon.There was no need telling her my story and besides ,my story would not bring Labi back.

I gave birth to my infant when I was nine months there was no name I could think for her. I resented Labi for abandoning the both of us. The nurse told me congratulations, but I never said a word I kept quiet unlike other ladies who were grinning. The following day, I told the nurse I was strong enough to go home she inquired if anybody would be picking me up and I moved my head from the left to right. When it was late evening the following day, I was home with my infant I had negative contemplation running through my mind I thought of dropping her off at the motherless home but I said to myself I am her mother she isn’t motherless after all so she does not have a place there. I thought of dropping her at Labi’s  home and tell him; this is our child and walk out but the next action I saw myself doing is placing my hands on my baby’s face such that the air is seized and few minutes afterward I took my hands off.😥😥😥😥

💔💔💔😞

He was stunned to see me in his house but not upset.I yelled at him to be responsible, since he will

be  a father soon. I am carrying your child! I screamed.There was perplexity in his facial expression

he told me he cherishes the reality I am pregnant but there are a few issues he is confronting and he

 isn’t prepared to welcome a child. I was crushed and shattered. The infant in my stomach begun

changing positions perhaps the child knew her father just dumped her too.Why did you not let me

know this prior, Labi?Do you want me to end up as a single parent when you are still alive? I was

apprehensive, I started to shake a little but he gazed absent minded as if he did not see my body alter.

he apologized and left me standing. I was brief of words, why did he not let me know this during the

early stage of pregnancy perhaps I would have ended it no matter the hazard involved at least it is

way better than this mortification presently. The movement of the baby in my womb gave a sharp

pain as if my baby knows she would be terminated if her mother had known she won’t be accepted

by  the father. I am seven months presently, and there’s every possibility I can put to birth soon.😢

💔💔💔There were days when I choose to be alone, moments spent alone are

priceless this has been my recent activity as soon as I have my shower in

the morning I just stare at my image in the mirror carefully looking at

myself like it’s a stranger.I miss the cheerful image I use to see when I

stand before the mirror, how I use to twerk tiredly and jut my waist and

admire my image. I still keep in mind the words of Ike the last time I saw

him. You’re a shadow of yourself, he said to me.I am not who I use to be.

I meet Ike at the down moments in my life after two dates, we felt we were

compatible for each other. We talked about so many things including our

past relationships, objectives and long term plans.I was convinced Ike

loved me not because we talked about these things but I can tell from the

way he treats me. Perhaps somethings are way better left unsaid or

revealing so much harms or keeping painful memories even hurt more but I

know I miss Ike so much. We might have had a happy ending since we were

already arranging our marriage and the things we were aiming to do in the

future. 

I have had my share of heart break, and it was a bittersweet

experience with Labi. Bitter since I was deserted and I had to take an

innocent infant life and sweet since we had sweet memories. Labi was an 

adoring man. He is everything I ever wished for in a man and he is fun to

be with. We fell in love, and I told him I was pregnant after few months

of dating.He told me it was a great news, but I can tell he doesn’t appear

excited about it. Days went by and my stomach started to get bigger Labi

became more distant, his calls decreased, his visits decreased and he no

longer pays attention to me. I started losing focus on my work. I’m

carrying Labi’s child and for the past five months he has not visited or

call, when I send him a message he takes three or more days to answer 

when I put a call through, he tells me he is busy. On a particular day I

made up my mind I was going to confront him at home.